The Time I Knew (1997-2000)
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I want to start by saying that this chapter will be a loaded one.
I don’t plan to sugar coat any of my sentiments on this, a most important topic- the most important topic, in fact. It’s time to dive in to when I first knew I was gay.
Contrary to the beliefs of Conservatives and Republicans, otherwise known as bigoted cowards- I knew I was not like the other kids around me by the age of five at the latest. How did I know, you ask? It was pretty simple; I was more nervous around the boys in class than the girls, and of course, I played with Barbie; but I was more interested in Ken.
After all, I like to joke that I’m so gay, even my spine knew I wasn’t straight. #Scoliosis.
I also know, depending on your idea of a joke, you may have been offended by what I just said; but, here’s the thing- I think one of the most important coping mechanisms we have is comedy, and that learning to laugh at yourself, your unique differences, and the parts of yourself you may be uncomfortable with.
Being able to do that will truly make getting through the harder parts of life easier.
Back to the topic at hand though. I, to this day, struggle to find the right words to describe what it felt like to grow up as a young gay kid in a world that told you your existence was a joke, and that you are broken as a human being, simply because of who you love.
I was lucky to have a mom that always let me be myself- from playing with Barbies, to even dressing up as Sailor Moon for halloween 1997.
Of course, I received heavy bullying for this, and as a kid I really couldn’t understand how just living could cause others to be so uncomfortable that they decide destroying who you are is the only option.
As an adult I asked my mom what people said about that particular costume choice, and she was honest when she told me that most of the adults around her were not okay with it. Cue the ever-so-typical toxic masculinity, ‘He’s a boy, why is he dressed like a girl?’ or ‘You’re making him gay letting him dress like that.’
SURPRISE SIS, I was already gay.
Anyone that would make those comments about a child isn’t much more than an insecure soul, and to be frank it takes a certain level of vile to speak so crassly about anyone, let alone a child.
One thing I want everyone to take away from this chapter, is that we are all exactly who we are supposed to be.
Just as some of you were born heterosexual, some of us are born homosexual.
Honestly, I do blame religion for most of our problems, and growing up in a Catholic school system really showed me that Christ is just used as a way to absolve people of shitty behaviour.
Do not get me wrong, I believe in following whatever path you choose. You can full well choose to believe in a omnipotent being that sits around so interested in your life, just watching your every move; but, you never have a right to inflict your belief on another person. EVER.
I can also 100% confirm I wasn’t groomed in to being gay, another popular bigoted trope used to invalidate the existence of people like me.
How do I know that?
Because I had absolutely zero gay people around me. Damn though, I wish I had- that would’ve helped dampen out the constant cruel remarks of the kids at school, and the loudest silence from the adults around us.
Luckily, having a loving home did help to at least make me feel safe somewhere. Though I absolutely dreaded getting up to go to school in the mornings. Looking back on it now, the things people said were so repetitive that if anything it showed their lack of ability to throw shade; like, this shit was basic.
The thing was, if you tell someone they’re broken, or that they should just go kill themselves, and you do that every single day of their life that you see them; they may eventually start to believe you.
This is especially the case for children, who’s minds are just forming an idea of who they are.
So, from around the age of five, I felt like the mistake all the kids at school said I was. I started to believe that my existence was nothing more than God having a little laugh.
That shit damages a child, so much so, that they will carry a bit of those feelings with them their entire lives.
What’s worse, is that as a child, you take this abuse, and you try to change; because, you think you can fix what others say is not right. That you must fix it in order to ever be a part of everyone else's world.
I will again state, I was lucky to have the family I have, and some of our close family friends were just as important in helping me feel safe and welcomed. Like the parents who would let me play with Barbies, and would let me sing along to Britney, bitch.
On the flip side, some people really have no problem being directly cruel to children. I will never forget being invited over to a sleepover at the home of a male classmate, one who had a sister a year older than us.
During the sleepover I played mostly with her Barbie dolls and not with his toy cars. The next morning his parents decided to sit me down, at six years old, and tell me I was never welcome back to their home because I played with their daughter more than their son and that it “Isn’t what normal boys do.”
This instance was one of the most damaging moments in my early development. I remember my mom coming to pick me up in tears, and I remember telling her what they said to me.
Back then, I didn’t realize what my mom did about this; but, years later she told me that she called his mother a bitch and told her that I was too good to play with children raised by an alcoholic and an abuser.
The thing is, I didn’t know there was anything wrong with these parents at that age, and I wasn’t there to hear what my mom said to them, and so, I would spend the next decade unable to forget those words, and unable to feel ok in my own skin because of them. It was one thing to have kids my own age say cruel things; but, a whole different level of knock down having it come from adults.
Luckily for me, I also had adults around me that celebrated who I was- a unique little boy with a lot of creativity and lust for life- even when surrounded by doctors and people who were always telling me the things I could never do, I had people telling me that I was going to accomplish great things, and do something very different with my life.
The two people that I remember the most were my mom and her mother. Both of them did so much to make sure I felt loved, and my mom told me that my grandmother loved my art, and my ability to keep in good spirits no matter what was thrown at me. She was the one who told my mom she saw me doing something unique with my life, and that I was going places most people could only dream of.
That was why losing my grandmother to skin cancer on mothers day 1997 was the first real heartbreak I felt. I know I was too young to know what death meant; but, I did know she wouldn’t be there for me anymore; at least not in any way I could fathom at that age.
I knew she was sick; but, I thought it was fixable. And I sure did try, even one time offering her favourite drink - pepsi- and telling her to “Drink this gramma, it’ll make your hair grow back pretty.” Yes, I said that. And for years I always wondered what she thought when I said that, and my mom told me it made her laugh; thank goodness; because it was a little insensitive.
Even after all these years, I still feel connected to her in ways I will never be able to fully explain. And, I know she has been with me for the biggest moments of my life- I mean, she even made an appearance right before my spinal surgeries that would take place in 2003.
It was her, my mother, and a few others who helped me get through those years where I felt I would never fit in, and I will forever be grateful for that. And this, this is where I offer a lesson I have learned, and advice.
I learned that in life there will always be good people, and bad ones.
That if you have even one person in your corner, even if that person if only yourself, you can accomplish anything; regardless of what people say.
And my advice to any child that knows they are different, even if you’re unsure why; you are so beautifully unique, and even though you don’t feel you’re going to ever find that place you fit, believe me, you will.
Know that when people say hurtful things to you, they are typically projecting what they feel about themselves; just like those parents who said I wasn’t welcome in their home because I was different- they were just angry and sad people in general; stuck in a loveless, alcohol fuelled, abusive marriage.
Their choice to speak the way they did with a child most likely came from the fact that they spoke with each other like this, or their own parents may have treated them as children the same way they treated me.
I want any parent reading this to always remember to be kind to your children, and to teach them what kindness is. It is each and every person on this planets duty to actively practice tolerance and open-mindedness, especially when it comes to children.
Don’t you ever say that ‘That child isn’t normal.’ or ‘It’s just a phase.’ And definitely never tell someone they aren’t welcome just because they are different from you. Each and every one of us is different, and without different types of souls, the world would be one hell of a boring place.
I would also implore anyone who says they don’t understand LGBTQ+ issues to educate themselves. We are real, and we aren’t going anywhere.
And the only gay agenda is to be able to live a life without fear of being in danger just because we aren’t the same as our heterosexual brothers and sisters. It is really that simple.
Furthermore, we aren’t trying to indoctrinate your child in to being gay, because they were born that way. Whereas, you weren’t born being a an ignorant bigot, so don’t be one. You can change that part of yourself; but, we can’t change who we are at the very core of our souls.
And don’t you ever think you have the right to tell other people how to live their life. We each only have the one to live, and I’m not getting on you about your cheating husband and loveless marriage Karen, so mind your own.
To the parents of LGBTQ children, I urge you to make your home a garden where your child can grow in to the technicolour flower they were born to be. And I implore you to challenge all forms of hatred wherever you see them.
Because love, is always louder.
Always.
