For starters, I guess you could call this chapter an extension of chapter two, “You’re So Gay;” though, this is more about the role models I looked up to as a young gay kid, and how they allowed me to feel comfortable in my skin, ultimately becoming somewhat of a safe space for me.
Admittedly, I did fit the cliche of a gay kid- which was probably part of why everyone else seemed to know something about me that I myself had no clear idea of- I grew up listening to Britney Spears, the Spice Girls, Kylie Minogue, Hilary Duff, and The Pussycat Dolls; to name a few. I mean, no wonder I grew up to be, well, me.
To say I loved Britney Spears music was an understatement. I literally had all of her merch starting from her hit me baby days, and I also had every bit of Spice Girls merch also- even their chocolate bars.
I always thought their style and songs were just groundbreaking (because they were, I mean, duh.) You could catch me singing along to Spice World on my Spice Girls microphone every night of the week in the basement of my family home.
Having grown up loving art and all things creative, I found their style and confidence incredible, and from a young age I told myself I wanted to be different; not that I ever assumed I would be on their level; but, that I wanted to pursue my dreams, and not follow the typical track that everyone else would.
That was in part because I knew already that I would not be getting married to a woman or having children, and so, instead of that, I decided I would settle for nothing more than an adventurous life, one where I would get to know myself so intimately, and to learn so much about the world around me, that, over time, I would be more than just the disabled gay kid stuck in a town that wasn’t built for people like me.
Though, even at that time, I was also exploring artists like Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, David Bowie, and AC/DC. I loved rock n’ roll just as much as I loved pop, most likely due to having grown up with parents that played those records throughout my childhood.
I loved a good James Bond action flick just as much a my little pony. I admit, that at a younger age I was always confused as to why society tells us that we have to stick to our gender lanes- I mean, what’s wrong with loving a good rom-com, just as much as loving the fast and furious series? (Only up until fast five though).
I was so lucky to grow up in a home where I was able to explore both my masculine and feminine energies, especially when the rest of the world around me at the time only ever told me I was wrong for not choosing to like the same things all little boys were supposed to like.
Whenever I felt lonely, music comforted me. So did books, sketching, writing, watching television series, and movies. In fact, I always felt most at peace when singing; a therapy I still turn to in my life regularly, both for happy moments, and for sad moments.
For instance, these days I sing with my chihuahua dachshund named Adele whom I rescued during my time in Chicago- and I will tell you it never gets old. She was abused heavily and abandoned before she came into my life, and she was so quiet and scared to make a sound.
One day while cleaning I began to sing, and to my amazement, she began to sing with me. And so every day that I am with her, we sing, and oh man do I mean we sing. She is so loud that I have to wear headphones to follow the music; but, she absolutely loves it, and she will not stop singing until I do. We have concerts sometimes of up to ten songs- just another reason I have and will continue to believe that music really does heal.
Through art, and creativity, I found comfort, and my imagination flourished. Through all the hardest moments in my life I held on to those dreams and plans for my future, and I know that in doing so helped make those moments more bearable.
To me, these artists were a blueprint for who I wanted to be; unapologetically me. Their stories helped me realize that amazing things happen when you leave your comfort zone. So, having a childhood where I was faced with the discomfort of hospitals, doctors, and bullies- in the long run- prepared me to take chances I never would have gone for had I grown up in a fully sheltered life.
I decided that I would run towards the things I wanted to do, the things that scared me; because, I was already having to do that since the day I was born. I couldn’t run away from the realities of my health and what may happen to me, so, instead I would chase what I needed to balance out the scales.
For every negative thing that had happened in my life, I would counter it with two positives.
In the end, I looked up countless artists that helped me find myself; but, my goal was always to become someone that my younger self would be proud of. And maybe, that I could one day help even one person who was struggling realize that there is always a way to chase those dreams you coveted as a child.
To tell them that you will always have fear, and doubt; but, that you can find ways to take what paralyzes you, and turn it into something that propels you further. And most importantly, when someone tells you that you can’t accomplish something, they are really projecting their own insecurities onto you- so don’t you ever let someone else dictate what you can or cannot do with this one life you have.
Take it from one little gay boy who used to tell himself that one day he would be something different, and that I would even get to work with some of the people I only used to look at on the television; after all, I have managed to do exactly that.
From watching Lizzie McGuire daily, to meeting Hilary Duff.
From being a contestant on Much Music Canada to become their new host, to being just feet away from James Corden on his talk show.
From being overweight and mocked daily, to posing nude in Barcelona for a world renowned gay mens photographer - with images of me being viewed in the hundreds of thousands, even five years later. You'll have to wait a few more weeks to hear all about how that happened though, and let me tell you, it was interesting.
From watching 90210 on television, to managing to get Shenae Grimes Beech (Annie Wilson) to model my clothing designs. Honestly, she went above and beyond.
From obsessing over one gay icon who will remain nameless (for now), to having to fight to be paid by that same gay icon I once looked up to (let me tell you, it’s not always a pleasure to meet your idols).
Ultimately needing to sign a non-disclosure agreement to get a fraction of what was owed to me with the threat that I would be sued in England if I ever spoke about it publicly; hence the no name drop.
I do know I managed to make these things happen because I have always believed in manifestation; and that if you really believe something will happen, and you work towards that goal, you can accomplish anything.
My advice to each and every person I meet is to challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone; to chase those dreams you think are impossible.
Why? Because we wouldn’t have any icons if everyone decided to play it safe, and each and every one of us can be our own icon.
After all, just as a plant can only grow larger when put in a bigger pot, we too can only grow when we make that box we live in a little bit bigger by doing one thing that scares us each and every day.
And to those people who tell you that you can’t do something- I dare you to give them one hell of a goddamn show to prove just how wrong they are.
To prove to yourself that you are the icon you’ve been needing your entire life.
